I was at Wal Mart today and some 60 year old woman dropped a package of ham. Instinctively I reached down to pick it up and handed it to her saying "Here ya go ma'am."
That's just what I was raised to do. Apparently she was raised by wild animals and if she'd had a rape whistle she would've furiously been blowing it like she wished she'd blown frat boys back in 1926 or whenever the hell she was younger then a dinosaur.
I was met by such a look of pure disgust it sent a shiver down my spine. Jesus lady, I'm not hitting on you or trying to inseminate you with what I'm sure you feel are my heathen beliefs, I was simply trying to hand you back something you'd dropped.
For fucks sake, I've seen people take super models home while wearing nothing but galoshes and a rain slicker and babbling about a baby duck that fell down the sewer. I on the other hand get to put up with a veiny old lady giving me the stink eye for picking up her dropped groceries? I may need to modify my approach of interacting with strangers.
In retrospect instead of handing her a package of ham I should've handed her a dead, bloody, baby duck and asked at the top of my lungs "What did you do to my duck?"
That would've fixed her little wagon.
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