This has been bothering me for sometime. When we hear about pirates nowadays they're all skinny Somalians running around in power boats with AK47's. What ever happened to real pirates?
Swashbuckling, devil may care, Douglas Fairbanks Jr types. With an eye patch from some long forgotten encounter, a parrot, and a peg leg.
Sure they weren't good guys, but at least they commanded a crew and somehow came in control of a sailing ship. That isn't easy shit to do. It would be the equivalent of seizing an aircraft carrier today and then pillaging and plundering your way across the oceans without someone fucking your shit up. All the while dealing with two handicaps (Being blind in one eye and having one God damn leg)...that could be quite a hindrance when setting off into battle. Unless you had a bunch of fighter aircraft at your command, then you might be able to get away with that shit. But not very likely.
If that wasn't enough of a bother, then you have to figure in the whole world hates you thing and wants to see you dead. You're half blind, you have an annoying parrot blathering on your shoulder that he's hungry, his dick hurts, or whatever problems parrot's have, and you walk like a donkey with 2 legs and use your enormous donkey dick as a third leg. Clump, clump, squish, clump, clump...."OH FUCK! This deck is made of wood! I've got a splinter! Help me. Oh fuck me to tears it hurts!" Then the bird starts yelling and the enemy knows exactly where to shoot. And you being blind and one legged and a huge splinter in your schlong die because your dick hurts. That's not exactly a formula for success. Or a very manly way to die. I'm mean really...I really would hate for my last words to be "Ow! My dick!" Dying because of a hurt pecker is not exactly going out in a blaze of glory. Who wants "He was a brave man, fearless, led his comrades into battle many times, but he was cut down because his penis hurt" emblazoned on their tombstone? That spells failure no matter how you look at it. Not to mention just a wee bit embarrassing.
Come to think of it, that may be how all the real pirates were killed off. They really didn't think this shit through to the end.
No matter how my life punctuates itself I can pretty much guarantee a hurting penis will not be what kills me off. I'd rather be eaten by a rabid possum then have that as my legacy for others to laugh at.
And given my life, being eaten by possums is not entirely out of the realm of possibilities.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment